Something we should all be asking.

Where the hell is Vincent? I mean, this is the question that really needs to be answered. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Over or under the waves.

I am quite well. I think I will start a 30 day challenge. Too bad for someone with abandonment issues I sure do abandon things a lot. Go figure. I need a new song to fall for. Can't run last.fm and reply to text messages at the same time. Oh the tragedy.

Madly.

Over the weekend I officially realized that there's nothing I like better than you. As furious as you can make me, for the first time I feel like i'm a part of something that is as important as I always wanted something to be. As deep, as gut wrenching, as pulling on all the senses. It's that feeling you find at four in the morning. The holding of hands and all of the things that hurt. Not just a mere encounter, the long con of pretending that it's felt to the depths, or a way to pass the hours in denial, but genuinely purposeful and meant. Meant to be, meant to do, meant to exist, meant to love. I do.

Stolen.

"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the
company you keep in the empty moments."
-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Then why are you so embarassed?

Longer hair inspiration.

305.

I'm extremely excited. We just booked our hotel on South Beach this weekend. Time to return and visit my homeland. Haven't been there since I was seventeen so it will be nice to see the strip as an adult of legal drinking age. Matt and I have never been out of town together. The hotel we got wasn't badly priced and is on the beach, and we will have a view of the ocean from our room. We are meeting with Holly and Manny and heading out tomorrow evening when Matt is off of work. We can get to the hotel, get ready, go out for drinks! Check out the pool. Whatever we want. Do the same on Sunday, check out is at noon, and then head over to the beach for the day. Holly is going to henna me :) I'm thinking my feet. We are also hitting up a piercing/tattoo shop while we're there and Holly is getting her tongue pierced. I'm very likely getting either a monroe or a madonna done. I've always wanted one of the lip piercings and I think this one will suit me best. What better time to find out than at 23 in South Beach for the weekend?

Is it bad that leaving makes me happier than anything?

Next vacation will be when we can all afford Orlando and Shaunna too (Before she leaves for Canada? Keep me updated!) so we can see HP. Manny hasn't read the books but I feel he should at least be force fed the movies beforehand. And Ben needs to request the time off too.

I love summer.

Bold.

BOLD IS THE TRUTH.

01. I AM A GRAMMAR NAZI. [Ehhh, not really. Just with some things.]
02. I AM A VEGETARIAN/ VEGAN.
03. I HAVE A BLACKBERRY.
04. I WATCH MY WEIGHT.
05. I HAVE BEEN TO LONDON.
06. I HAVE A MASSIVE EGO.
07. I LIVE NEAR A RIVER.
08. I HAVE READ ALL OF THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS.
09. MY PARENTS MET AT SCHOOL. [No idea.]
10. I HAVE A JOB.
11. I DRIVE A SILVER CAR.
12. MY PARENTS KNOW ABOUT MY SEXUAL ACTIVITY (OR LACK OF)
13. I HAVE A PET CAT.
14. I HAVEN’T WATCHED TITANIC AND DON’T WANT TO.
15. I AM PART CHINESE.
16. I FAILED MY EXAMS AT SCHOOL.
17. I’M GOOD AT DRAWING.
18. I LIKE MY HANDWRITING.
19. I STICK MY MIDDLE FINGER UP FREQUENTLY.
20. I HAVE LOST SOMETHING AND FOUND IT YEARS LATER.
21. I HAVE NEVER BEEN KISSED.
22. I HAVE MET UP WITH SOMEONE FROM THE INTERNET.
23. I DON’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS.
24. I THINK I’M MATURE FOR MY AGE.
25. I AM LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DRINK ALCOHOL.
26. I AM A QUIET PERSON.
27. I SMOKE.
28. I HAVE A NICKNAME.
29. I DON’T LIKE DRAMA.
30. I HAVE BOUGHT “VOGUE” BEFORE.
31. I CRAVE ATTENTION.
32. I AM FREAKED OUT BY BLOOD.
33. I LOVE ANIME.
34. I HAVE KISSED IN THE RAIN.
35. I DON’T WANT TO/ DIDN’T GO TO COLLEGE/ UNIVERSITY.
36. I HAVE A BABY COUSIN.
37. I REMEMBER BEING 10 YEARS OLD.
38. I HAVE PLANS FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY.
39. NOBODY KNOWS MY BIRTH NAME.
40. I HAVE STUCK TO MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.
41. I HAVE SELF INFLICTED SCARS.
42. I CAN’T PEE IN PUBLIC.
43. I STILL USE WINDOWS XP (OR LOWER).
44. I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING PIERCED.
45. I LIKE GETTING DRUNK WITH MY FRIENDS.
46. I LOVE QUOTING MEAN GIRLS.
47. I LOVE ORANGE SODA.
48. I HAVE SLOW SELF ESTEEM. [Instead of fast?]
49. MY HAIR IS DYED.
50. I AM PRETTY MUCH AMAZING.

I always hoped so.

I never liked Keamy much at all.

People never cease to amaze me and not in a good way.

What hurts me most is not your hostility towards me but that you each respect him so little.
Accomplishments on a list don't make you human.
They make you a list.
He is more than most and most certainly more than you in all the ways that should count in this world.
All the ways.

"Do what you love and fuck the rest."

Wake up.

I think certain people will be forever stuck in high school. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does a bit. I'm having one of my anxiety attacks. My hands shake just the slightest amount and I feel sick to my stomach. Of course there are other more pressing issues and if I could go ahead and get what I need to get that would be swell. I'm not interested in adding that particular thing to the list of things I've experienced in life, thank you. Today is National Administrative Professionals Day. I feel like I should be in bed. These are the times when I wish I had Xanax. Universe, I thought we agreed to be friends this morning? Didn't we? Was I mistaken? I was almost certain there was a deal sealing hand shake involved.

Good morning universe.

10 things i wish to say to 10 different people, no names:

* Sometimes I worry that he doesn't feel like you feel but I truly have no clue. I understand you and think you deserve much goodness and an understanding hand, where neither is there just to keep from loneliness.
* Do you still consider me a great friend, or merely a misguided acquaintance? Different paths we walk, but I still hope you see the zest for a meaningful life in my actions, even if they're not as apparent as they used to be when my heart remained broken and raw.
* I still hope it gives you hell. You don't deserve what you have.
* Please don't hurt yourself. I am always here.
* I can't put our lost friendship into words, but I know that despite its importance it isn't right and probably never was. But it was always important.
* I was put here in this world for you, not for anyone prior to, you hold my hand when I can't move, you don't ask me to be what I can't which is whole, and we will never lose the meaning in this.
* Sometimes I wonder if my rejection genuinely hurt you, or if I was just a fleeting crush, I hope it was the latter.
* I wish you'd chosen someone better. I still hope one day you will.
* I'm thankful for all that you've done for me. I wish you would instead focus on yourself and finding what you deserve instead of trying to help all of us.

9 things about myself:

* I often start things but do not finish. There are too many things that I want to do.
* I am obsessive compulsive when it comes to many things.
* I am not as open as I used to be.
* I always carry a book with me.
* I just started to like coffee.
* I can't go into a kitchen without accidentally burning myself somehow.
* I just realized that I don't think I ever want to have children. I am too selfish and sort of unwilling not to be and you should always be selfless for your kids.
* I can't fill a paper journal without getting distracted or worrying that it will be read, though I'm always writing.
* I like LOST. A lot. That show is like a friend.

8 ways to win my heart:

* Have a story.
* "Get" me.
* Be protective.
* Like the same nerdy things I like.
* Be passionate in everything that you do.
* Be intelligent.
* Be spontaneous.
* Be willing to talk, scream and cry.

7 things that cross my mind a lot:

* The future.
* The past.
* Love.
* LOST.
* Things to do, lists to make.
* Impulsive random decisions to be made immediately.
* Why.

6 things i do before i fall asleep:

* Create elaborate stories in my head and live in them as they unfold.
* Think of the things I meant to do but didn't and vow to do them tomorrow. Repeat.
* Wash my feet.
* Fidget.
* Put chap stick on my lips.
* Harass Matt.

5 of your favorite movies:

* Drop Dead Fred.
* A variety of Disney classics.
* Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
* Breakfast At Tiffany's.
* Avatar.

4 things in my purse/backpack:

* My keys.
* A purple pen Holly gave me for Christmas.
* Vitamin C.
* The endless abyss.

3 songs i listen to most often (lately):

* Bon Iver - Skinny Love
* The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
* Glee Cast - Gives You Hell

2 things I want to do before I die:

* See the world.
* Love selflessly.

1 confession:

* I don't know what I'm doing.

Thing to wish for.

Exercise Bike

Universal Studios Annual Pass For Unlimited HP Goodness

Summer Pottery Class At The Alliance For The Arts

Nike Lunarglide+

IPad

Ikea Sofa Bed

Hammock

Cruise

Bike

Art

Fell Down The Rabbit Hole - Link.

Queen Of Hearts Wedding

This makes me want a wedding. Can I just skip the whole marriage part for now though?

Hair Color Ideas.

To be continued.

I want it all.

“It is perhaps the misfortune of my life that I am interested in far too much but not decisively in any one thing; all my interests are not subordinated in one but stand on an equal footing.”

- Søren Kierkegaard

Madly.

“I loved you madly; in the distasteful work of the day, in the wakeful misery of the night, girded by sordid realities, or wandering through Paradises and Hells of visions into which I rushed, carrying your image in my arms, I loved you madly.”

- Charles Dickens

4.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I've always had some form of this. Now it is mild. It mostly has to do with things I think are dirty, particularly feet. It centers a lot around my sleeping area. If anything touches it that I feel is even slightly "dirty" by my standards I will freak out. I wash my feet every night before bed, and Matt has to as well. Everyone has quirks, and this is what my grandmother called them when I was younger, but it borders on obsessive. It IS obsessive. Feet don't have to actually be dirty or look dirty in order to be considered dirty to me. Just wash them. If my expectations in this area aren't met I can't rest until they are or I feel like I might as well be sleeping in dirt. I won't use hotel blankets at even the nicest of hotels because of the notion that someone else, a stranger, has touched them. I hate my own couch, because it came from someone else and someone else before that. I obsess over hand washing. Even with all of this, I feel like I have it mostly under control. When I was younger, maybe around nine? Going to bed took over an hour. I had to open and shut drawers a certain number of times. I had to close the door a certain number of times. I had to arrange everything. I believe my magic number was 4. I felt that if I didn't do these things bad things would happen. People would die. I would die. I wonder what causes this, as the possibilities don't seem to be narrowed down at all when it comes to this disorder.

Hazelnut creamer.

I couldn't find my car keys this morning. I haven't used them since Friday. I do have a vague memory of my purse being turned upside down in a laundry basket at some point over the weekend so I bet they are in there. I had to take Matt's car. While I was trying to find my keys I apparently took my phone out of my purse and left it at home. This week is starting out well. I just want to be at home, in bed with my boyfriend. I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 1:30 in the morning watching Buffy and Bones. I wonder when people are going to realize I'm not really an adult I just play one on TV.

I Robot You Jane.

Nothing better than a rainy day spent inside hosting your own Buffy The Vampire Slayer marathon. Oh the flashbacks. Sad that Sarah Michelle Gellar's career didn't go much further than this. At least I've got Bones and How I Met Your Mother.

Life mosaic.

* Type your answer to the questions into a flickr search
* Using only the first page, pick an image
* Copy and paste each of the urls in the Mosaic Maker

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to do when you grow up?
10. Who/ what do you love most in life?
11. Choose one word that describes you?
12. What is your Flickr name?

Much like suffocating.

I know when I'm older I'll look back and remember the times when signs like these were necessary. I'll explain to my grand children that yes, at one time, gay rights had to be fought for and weren't given easily. We're moving forward.

We can live beside the ocean.

This photo explains my feelings about the notion of getting out of bed today.

I'm never drinking again.

This is a classic statement. I hadn't been out in awhile until last night. I'm terrific at bowling. At least I came in third out of five... the first game. The second game I recall looking at the scoreboard and thinking I had 90 points by frame three. I think what I really had was 9 pins in frame three. Then I dropped the ball. Literally. It started rolling backwards.

Reactions to "Everybody Loves Hugo" and this season of LOST in general.

First, the way they answer the question of the "whispers" was so cheesy I literally rolled my eyes. It wasn't so much that the answer itself was cheesy, because it actually is sort of poetic, but I hated the way it was done. The answer makes a lot of sense if you've read the transcripts of the whispers; which are kind of haunting. Though, I thought the island wasn't "purgatory", Darlton?

Second, does anyone else miss and remember the time when Sayid was actually a good character and exciting to watch? I can't help but think this is just a trick; that Sayid is just playing FLocke to the end, but his character has lost all appeal this season and that's a shame. Actually, a lot of characters have lost their appeal. When I find myself liking Jack more than Sawyer you know there's a problem. It's still good television and miles above everything else on TV, but despite some real wonderful moments I can't help but feeling this season is a let down. Even if they wow us in those final two hours, will it be as satisfying if the whole season just felt like a waiting game? Then again, I suppose that's what the show has been from the start.

Third, does Sawyer even remember that great love of his life Juliet? Starting to wonder. I know Juliet is going to show up eventually but I'm betting it will be in the alt timeline, perhaps saving Sun's baby. I really hope I'm wrong. If true love is a guiding force in this show, then they'd have to see each other to remember. Unless they pair him with Kate, as sort of hinted to in Sawyer's ALT, which is complete bullshit. She is not his constant. She should be Jack's... if someone has to end up with that tramp.

Four, fans are so protective of Darlton. Gimme me a break. If you say something negative about this season, you're suddenly not a fan and have no OMGZZZ FAITH. Darlton is still an amazing duo and the world that they've created is nothing short of amazing. I just feel that we're far enough into the season now for me to say that they dropped the ball here. They had this whole world to expand on and they chose not to because perhaps they never had the answers to begin with. Any answers given feel forced and copy pasted. Maybe the last few hours of the show will completely wow me, but even if that happens, I'm still going to feel like so much more could have been done with this season just based on the dozen episodes we've already seen. Maybe this season standing on its own isn't so bad, but its lack of conclusive answers to all the themes presented in previous seasons make those previous seasons now seem less than they were. At least the ride was fun.

Five, if love helps the characters remember then why didn't Locke remember when he found Helen in the alt?

Six, I realize I'm full of complaints. The episode wasn't bad, it's this season that I have some issues with.

Seven, something I loved was the Willy Wonka song in next week's preview. Simultaneously creepy and wonderful.

Until then.

Perhaps.

"Perhaps, in the extravagance of youth, we give away our devotions easily and all but arbitrarily, on the mistaken assumption that we’ll always have more to give." — Michael Cunningham

Grander Maybes.

*Spoiler for Looking For Alaska.

Eggs and coffee for breakfast. This is just another morning where I'm spilling coffee on myself. I'd never make it in the corporate world... or want to for that matter. Time to read some LOST discussions. I liked last night's episode. It wasn't epic but it certainly had its moments. The end is nigh! I'm trying to decide what book to read next as I just finished another last night [Chelsea Handler makes me pee my pants]. I really need to finish The Wind Up Bird Chronicle but man, is it long, and there are so many other books to get distracted by. I need to stop taking books out from the library because I've also been buying books to read and they've received no attention. I suppose you could call it my life's library. Speaking of which I'm still trying to find a decent discussion/debate on the web as to whether or not Alaska Young killed herself. I guess it could be both on purpose and an accident too, or maybe just an indifferent maybe, I know all about that indifferent maybe. Suppose it's better to stick around for Grander Maybes though, at least if you're listening to Pudge. He's probably right.

By Adam Beane.

I will be sad when this show ends but hopefully satisfied... hopefully.

Improvement.

To Do:

1. Buy a bike. Start exercising regularly. Trails at the park. Etc.
2. Take a class at the Alliance for the Arts.
3. Stop watching Gossip Girl. Seriously, now that they screwed up Chuck and Blair what's the point? This show is ridiculous and Chuck's character would never do that to Blair. Blair is the one thing he'd never walk on in that manner. Small mistakes sure but... c'mon writers.
4. Create a blog for reviewing books.
5. Decorate decorate decorate with what I can afford. Make my (spare) bedroom inspirational.
6. Write a letter to my future self. Seal.
7. Dog beach with the puppy.
8. Attend a football game this season.
9. Not get sued.
10. Get a dining room table already!

I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.

I do believe that lions are romantics.

fish and scorpions.