I cannot seem to focus on reading today. Margaret Atwood is a good writer but Moral Disorder is pretty snooze worthy so far. I laid out on the back porch for a bit today to tan. It's nice to get some sunshine every now and then. I also wrote out a plan for October that I'd like to stick to. I'm so overwhelmed with things to do and things money is needed for that I figure if I can just pick a few things each month to tackle that one day i'll get where i'm trying to go. For October I think we are going to join a gym, start eating healthier (frequent goal quickly forgotten whenever pizza is thought of), try to go to Zombicon and look into getting a new bed & bedding because they're pretty needed. Then maybe next month... eye appointment and car repairs? And Matt's birthday of course. He wants to get a TV on black friday. Oh and a turkey and a Christmas tree! Then after that it's already December and Christmas! Geez. I need to have money set aside for school in case I'm able to sign up in January so everyone will probably get baked goods made by me. It's the thought that counts, right? Man I can't wait for it to get colder and to put up a Christmas tree in my own place :)

2011? School, start a car fund (because let's face it), move into a house maybe. I cannot believe 2010 went by so quickly.

Ah, my day has consisted of Gemma Doyle, Daria, photo taking in the backyard with the dog, the usual relationship playful antics, the office, garden pizza, hair dye, nail polish, tumblr photos of houses i'd like to live in, monster x's 2, music music music, buying collage making materials, pumpkin scented candles, and Margaret Atwood. Who's complaining?

I really want to live in a house. Particularly the house above. I want dogs (plural!) and a backyard with a doggy door and natural light and space space space. All my own. And well this guy and the dogs of course. But still Home. Home with character and nothing to be heard but the breeze.

that man lives across the hall from his own fucking heart.

Oh Lorrie Moore, how I adore you. It's nice to get back to some writing with meaning. I get so sucked into these damned YA supernatural/dystopian novels. They are a guilty pleasure. Guilty pleasures are what I've needed lately. I'm hoping that by 2011 I'll feel revived. All I want to do is stay home anymore. I'm too mentally exhausted for much else. I'm not even unhappy. Just tired. It seems hard to explain. A little bit physical too.

"I think I'm anemic."
"Are you on Web MD?"

I officially filed on Tuesday.

I've had syrup on my shirt since this morning and I just don't care. If it's 5 o clock somewhere does that mean I can go home?

I want to stay up all night. I don't want the weekend to end. It's always there and then it's spent. One year almost. I fear the warmth will fly one day. Here is shelter. Low lights and quiet. I rarely leave it. I want to eat good food and see the sun rise. I always make it under before that hour though. Warm arms are hard to refuse. It's nice to touch.

Good morning.

Coffee, Plath, The internet.

I set my coffee to brew at 10:55 but did not rise from my bed until 11:30. It was still warm. Took the dog out and fed him. Put the bedding in the wash. Football starts today and i'm home alone so i'm not sure i'll watch it all day. I'll have to check in on my teams. I am participating in a pool. Why does coffee always cause my teeth to ache?

I'd really like to be an elementary school librarian. Or any kind of librarian. I should probably get a move on then, eh? I really need to try to get things worked out at the school. Those charges on my account are one thing but I got bad marks in classes I didn't even know I was enrolled in. That is going to affect my ability to get aid again, I think. Plus my GPA is down before I've even really started. I took a sick day Friday since I woke up at 4am sick so now I'm afraid to ask for time to go to the school. My boss leaves in two weeks though so I should really do it before then.

Big plans for today.

1. Puke.
2. Tumblr.
3. Puke.
4. Books.
5. Puke.
6. Stumble.
7. Puke.

I haven't gotten any further in my plans than that yet.

Throw it in the trash.

Bad night spills over into a bad day. My eyes still feel swollen. What is there to say? I can't really be anything else. I can't feel any differently. I don't work well in units. I don't work well with back burners. I don't work well.

Hi there.

Since I finally caught up with True Blood (except for last night's episode which is currently downloading) I let myself look at one of the Tumblr accounts dedicated to the show. It seems a lot of people are irritated with Alan Ball taking liberties and straying too far from the books. I guess I am in the minority then because I think all of the changes he's made have been great and have actually made for a better story. I like the books. They're a light enjoyable read but a lot of times they irritate me too. I feel like he actually gives these characters some consistency that is lacking in the books. It makes them more likable. Especially Sookie who in the books is thinking about boning someone new every two seconds. Now she's more of a super hero. There's more to her character than telepathy and daydreaming about sex and being possessive of every male she's ever met. I don't know if they ever explore "what she is" further in the books since I'm only on #6 but no sign yet. Plus where would we be without Lafeyette and Jessica?

Cone of shame.

Locke decided that over the past two weeks out of nowhere he would destroy every single toy he has except one (and if he were able to damage a Kong I assure you he would have) including his monkey and rope that have been with him since he was a baby, his dog bed and the pillow inside of his crate. Perhaps he is shunning physical belongings. Maybe he would like to go the Christopher McCandless route. Either way my response is to chop off his balls. He's getting neutered Wednesday. CHEW ON THAT, LOCKE.

I hate work. Why is it Monday? God damn it shitballs.

I was just looking at a work email and thought for a second that something said whiskey but what it really said was with history. If this isn't a clear indication that I need to go home I don't know what is. I've been so exhausted this week I haven't even been able to focus on reading. The words blur together. So i've just been compulsively organizing my ebook collection so that I can put it on my nook and finishing up season five of Supernatural. We only have two episodes left. I think some parts of the season are dragging a bit but any part with Castiel is my favorite.

The world is at my fingertips.

The world has ended? In all seriousness though I spent a good portion of yesterday and a great deal of this morning downloading a great big ton of ebooks for my Nook. I'm pretty happy about it because I can't afford to buy books and the library can be a big fail at times with their wait times and return dates. Expecting me to be on time? Psh. My only problem now is that I can hardly decide what to read next and I've still got four library books checked out in need of my attention.

Oh is it lunch time already?

Technically it's what I refer to as "hell week" at work.

Hello. Goodbye. Hello.

I hate the way people talk to babies as though they want these miniature adults to grow up with speech impediments. When I originally typed that I wrote 'speed impediments' hey bark twice for Faster. I love that I'm alive. I wish I owned mason jars. I have a strong urge to be naked. Nothing sexual. Today I feel caged by tank tops and over shirts and pants I wouldn't wear anywhere that wasn't work. I like the smell of Brussels sprouts. I don't think I like Brussels sprouts. I suddenly find myself wondering why vegetables deserve capitalization. I think the movie The Lovely Bones gave the Mom too much leniency and hid the truth of the story from its audience. We had to move the dog's cage into the living room in case of whining (due to new neighbors who are quite possibly drug dealers) and I hate that now he see's me when I get home before I can make it to my coveted shower stall. I hate that he see's me walk past him to work too, always late, so I give him a treat. I do my best. It's four minutes until 5:30.

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

I was just hit with the sudden urge to do nothing else but drive immediately home, slip into a bath and read for the rest of the night; eventually diving in until my hands are wrinkled with the hours of age and dreams i'd become enveloped in, and afterward, eventually, slide my fresh and cushioned body into bed until sleep comes.

Unfortunately this quiet little dream is a bit obstructed by the lack of the perfect claw foot tub but it'll do.

Come on skinny love just last the year.

The Lovely Bones is even more gut wrenching in novel format. They definitely toned the movie down to make it more family friendly; though the movie was certainly disturbing too. Susie Salmon may be a fictional character but she's also representative of all the young girls/women this sort of thing really does happen to. It's hard to read. So I am lucky to be here and not away in pieces. We all are. Because we survived. All the little troubles seem far away. My physical appearance could use some work but what does it matter that my hair hasn't been touched in months. I am waiting until I can put it all into a pony tail. It is uneven like everything is. My eyebrows are as thick as thieves. Maybe that one I can rectify. I notice these things but they don't seem to really matter in the grand scheme. People out there are being defiled and murdered somewhere, who am I to worry about some paperwork or forgotten wax? Because it's hard? Because we want to be better or happier or sleep a little easier in our beds? Who the fuck are we to cry out over things so nearly pain free? Day by day. I curl inwards, words scrolling by, and I wait. Day by day.

New friend.

The case I want is out of stock at the moment but i'll have to get it when it comes in. I already got a smudge on the back and naturally I like to drop things.

On a recent trip to the gas station:

I am pretty much the epitome of classy.

The Hunger Games.

I can already see how this book is going to become addicting. I've just started it and I already don't want to put it down for dinner. I love the smell of adobo drifting throughout my house. Yellow rice is started and black beans are prepared to cook. I wasn't going to cook because I was in a bad mood but Matt had already set the chicken out to defrost before he left for work so I said to hell with it. I might as well eat good while I can, right? And obviously if I have to play my own round of Hunger Games it's not going to be nearly as bad as I imagine it is for these kids. More reading, Dexter, Food, and more reading! No Supernatural tonight, unfortunately, no matter how Matt whines of missing it. We finished season two a couple of days ago and I am waiting for season three to come in at the library. Should be in tomorrow. They didn't have it at BJ's (my membership gives me some good deals on books and dvd's... I got s2 for only $18.99) but I can get season four there later. I'm trying to get him into Dexter but he says it's slow paced. Serial killing takes time, man! Work tomorrow :( Actually have to do a lot of it since I got irritated today and passed a good portion of my time redoing my layout here and on Tumblr which relaxes me for some reason. Fuck the man.

Rain rain. This weekend someone (or two) peed on my dog. This is why I almost never allow people in my home. I'm really glad my point has been made. Don't need it. And seriously if you're going to say "It's just a dog." and when I question you and you realize I was listening throw your gloves up in the air and say "That's not what I meant." you probably never should have said anything, Michael. You big liar you. That's exactly what you meant. Though I bet if someone peed on your gloves it would be a real tragedy. The real kicker was that the people kept laughing as though it were the funniest thing they'd done all night ("accident" or not) and that is what kept things going. That dog is like a child to me and no doubt I like and trust him more than those supposed superior humans so maybe I'm biased but if you have kids one day I suppose you don't expect for someone to come by, pee on the wall of your house and just start laughing when the little tyke doesn't know any better and runs underneath in his spiderman under-roos. And if you moved away how is it that he was absolutely soaking wet? Oh and then to have the audacity to request to sleep on my couch for the night and wake up the next afternoon and hang around until someone finally has to tell you to leave... Nice going. I digress because everyone is stupid! Made some extra cash over the weekend by putting flags in people's yards for my office. Which was terrible but I couldn't stop laughing at the situation and I felt like a criminal with a runny nose the whole time. It kept on raining. We coped afterward with grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. It rained on 4th of July. No big deal to me. We grilled in the garage and sat in beach chairs in the rain on the driveway while the grill cooked and took in other people's fireworks. Locke found them interesting. Didn't last long though, because it was wet and cold. Monday was spent hibernating. When I read Sookie Stackhouse I feel like I'm reading a cheesy romance novel. But Sookie is so damn darling (and badass) that I have to stick around. What is unpleasant though is reading graphic and kinky sexual parts of stories and accidentally looking at the picture in the back of the book of the author who wrote them and feeling instantly creeped out. THIS is the mind that was created in? Oh dear. I don't speak only of Sookie but also The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I can't seem to wrap my head around work today. I can't seem to wrap it around reading an ebook either. So I'm just working but bored. I have a lot to do this week anyhow. Thankfully this is a short week.