Letters and verbs and colors and adjectives.

I don't write like I used to. Is it sad that nothing saddens me more than that? Do you know, my favorite compliment to give a person is "You are so much more." It should be so simple. What hurts more than simple heartbreak or feeling misunderstood or longing seems to be the fact that I can so rarely give this compliment to anyone. I want writing that is so much more. Thoughts that express these intricate curves inside my head that even I can barely navigate and a normal person could never travel down even if they were equipped with one of those annoyingly smug sounding Tom Tom devices. We get it Tom Tom, you know where you're fucking going. Well what about the rest of us common souls who can't seem to find a foot print to lean on or the proper key stroke when needed? To hell with it. To hell with Arial and candle wax and piles of laundry. How should one translate thoughts that fully represent the freezing water and footballs and the way my skin feels on a towel shielding it from sand and cold mint on a winter day? I just feel like there is this disconnect lately between me and these forms of expression I used to so heavily rely on for release. I'm in love, shouldn't I be bursting at the seams with letters and verbs and colors and adjectives like "amazing" and sentences like "never felt this way"? But it's so cliche. I feel so cliche. Maybe writers find a comfort in feeling broken and without. It's so much easier to express those feelings. How do you explain loving someone so much without sounding like a bad romance novel written by a woman with sixteen cats and permed hair? Maybe I should focus more on the simple things. The sights and smells and random segments of moments stolen and lost. I feel like a cliche story waiting to happen but this is the one isn't it?

jealous.

http://typewriterblues.tumblr.com is terrific.

I am here. I am present.

To you I still feel I must try to express, I love him and not him. You know my heart is wild, but it is tamed somehow, warm and not wanting for a future that differs from the path it seems to be on. It wants nothing more than these things it fears, but nothing more and nothing less than this person. It is calm and placed perfectly. I don’t make eye contact with what is yours for fear of hurting, harming, misleading. These glances are no longer stolen and to be sure that this is not misunderstood I think, why not have there be no glances at all? A glance is just a glance until it isn’t. Maybe it is rude and maybe one day it should change. When time has had even more time with which to heal past wounds. I know that these things lose their importance but when you have something you never want to lose, I know they can still sting you in those silent moments when you’re by yourself and the world is quiet and soft, seemingly unable to harm you, but you know better don’t you? Why did we start this way? I ask love that one. I ask how you could hurt me then and love me now? I can’t speak for you, I can’t assume that at times your heart asks that question of your love too, but I do. It is safe now. Yet I still feel the need to make that known. I still feel protective of other human heartbeats. I want to show yours that I am not an enemy, that I never intended to be, that me being near is not intended to feel threatening. I am warm, see? See me now? Not as you saw me then. I wasn’t me. I am overly apologetic. I am in love. I want to hold this other part of me and assure it that it is safe in my hands. People have come and gone but I want you always. Is that enough? We can’t know. Steady now darling, fear is mandatory, but I am here in this world for you. For you.

champagne from a paper cup.

Hello 2010.