This morning I drove to work in a zoned out dream like state. I had strange dreams all night of familiar faces. Telling a friend exactly how I feel about her pushy behavior and how uncomfortable she makes the people around her. I remember the irritation, the raise of my voice, the feeling of satisfaction. I remember others sitting in the garage, chatting, drinking, until the wee morning hours. Six in the morning as I recall. I remember ex girlfriends (not mine) entering and serving no purpose to progress the dream other than just being present. Maybe that's enough. I'm such a jealous person, and I suppose I've always been, though perhaps not to this degree. I've never been that jealous of the past. At least not more than the present. Maybe since I never have a reason to be jealous in the present I look for something to obsess over. Shrug.
I was thinking, during the drive, about forgiveness. A quote from Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Yes.) struck me the other day. To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it. I can say, I am not a very forgiving person. Once you arrive on my shit list it's quite hard to ever find yourself off of it, unless my original reasons for placing you there end up being misguided, a convoluted situation will no clear beginning, middle or end. Gray matter. That being said, if I believe in you so wholeheartedly, maybe I never truly give up. I can think of one particular situation that is evidence of this, and I was right, this person was worth it, at least for me. I suppose on one hand I am a very forgiving person, and that's why when you do get on my shit list, I am a very unforgiving person. I put you there for a reason. You got so many shots, and you missed them all. He shoots, but he does not score. White (wo)men can't jump. I either really stopped caring, or I never did. Power is off.
Personally, I don't think I believe in that quote, the one from the wise old man on Buffy. I can see how it would apply to certain situations but I believe we only have a short amount of time here, why spend it exerting energy on people who don't make you happy? On people who have continuously treated you terribly and show no signs of changing, that's just who they are, that's just how it's going to be, that's just what you're gonna have to accept. Yes, only if this is someone you truly want in your life. Whose absence makes your bottom lip quiver and your pupils glance down and away. Is who they are ok with you? Do you really care? If not then walk away. It's their choice, or perhaps their curse, to always be who they are, but if it's not ok with you then just walk in the opposite direction and let them live their life. It's not your job to change anyone, or even your right. Why waste the little time (even living until you're ninety still seems so short) you have on people who you have no desire to associate with? Are they who you'd be thinking of in the end?
The way I see it, in this world I have a very small list of people I want to miss me in the end, and fuck the rest. I'm sorry, but do what you love and fuck the rest has never applied more. Society is so quick to place people in neatly wrapped boxes, adorned with bows, and say you have to accept them because we say it is so. You have to forgive because we say it is so, we say it is the right thing to do. Is it?
Humans are not perfect and will never be. I am certainly not perfect but people have loved me. Some people have not. That is ok. I have forgiven people. People have forgiven me. Some have not. That is ok too. No blood can tie me to anyone, no circumstance, nothing, not if I don't feel anything towards this person more than I feel for strangers on the street. But (s)he's your blood! This is my favorite, and has never meant a thing to me. I don't care about the blood in your veins or the hair on your head or your finger prints. I care about who people are. Call me selfish, but I'm not willing to waste this life on anyone I don't love. Who you are to me isn't a right you are born with, it is who you make yourself.
I tried very hard to use my superb imagination and think of whether or not I'd be sad if my father died. I wouldn't. I say that not in anger, but acceptance. I would feel strange, certainly, death of people I have met has always felt unsettling to me. To not love, to not bawl over the death of this figure, to some, this makes me cruel. Especially to those who have found it in them to love this person. I've tried to see it from the family angle, he is the only father you'll ever have! This isn't true, I've got so much more because I didn't have that. I had people who acted as a father to me more than he did. Perhaps I will shed a tear for what I never had, for the direction my life could have taken if events throughout my life hadn't shaped me to be so, but it would be brief. I am happy with who I am. I am thankful for who I have. I do not need more. I am not without because of this. I would shed a tear for the people who would be upset as a result of it. I would shed a tear for the world, such a cruel and fucked up place. I would shed a tear for myself, feeling the guilt of feeling nothing at all for another human. Yet when I do feel, I feel to the depths. But to say I love him? Would be a lie. Maybe that makes my wiring screwy somewhere along the way, because you're just supposed to love your parents no matter what! It's written somewhere super important! Like... the bible. Ahem.
I see other people, who have been treated poorly, so poorly, and they still find it in them to love this person, who hurts them time and again just because. That isn't me. Does this make them stronger? I don't know. If you raise a knife, a hand, to an old lady in my life. If you raise a hand to me, if you leave bruises, if you are cruel... Is that supposed to be love? I doubt I'd give anyone the satisfaction of saying that other people are stronger for loving in this instance, as I consider myself, in a lot of circumstances, to be emotionally sturdy. Neurotic, but able to pull out of some very heavy situations, still caring deeply for people, with only one near death experience under my belt.
It is assumed that you love your parents, no matter the case. Maybe it's not true for me because I never saw him as a parent. He was there, then he wasn't. He was mostly drunk when he was. I was convenient, but I don't ever remember a time in my life, a moment, where I thought, I am with my father and I am happy. Maybe this is what sets me apart. I can relate to still loving and forgiving a parent even if they've seemingly disappeared, as I still love my mother quite a lot, but I can remember ever loving her, as a child and beyond, and so it is hard to break from that. I don't think she knows how to love people, or to show it, so I try not to blame her, and I leave her be. I am no expert either. Yet that's a story for another day. But what about your future children, they won't meet their grandfather? I met my grandfather on my mother's side once as a baby and never saw him again. He treated her poorly, and she does not have a relationship with him. This hasn't bothered me in the least or affected my life at all. Daniel and I found a listing for him in Miami, using google, just out of pure curiosity. She said if we ever wanted to contact him, we could, but why would we? We didn't have a desire to phone a stranger, unless of course he'd won the lottery and cared to donate to our funds. And that was the extent of our feeling for the situation. Certainly if I have children one day they can contact whoever they wish. But I will not raise this person around any possible child of mine, as it is not his given right.
